Friday, April 15, 2011

Who Am I?

In case anyone would like to know, my foremost struggle at this point in my life is self-esteem. It seems it always has been. If a person had asked me a few months ago what I liked about myself i would have been hard-pressed to really find anything. I am my own worst enemy. That is not as humble an attitude as it sounds. It is actually a very arrogant one. God is working on me, however, and ever so painfully slowly, I am learning to change...i hope....

i am made in the image of God. He created me with gifts and abilities that are unique to me. I have a purpose on this earth. Sin mars this world and creates an eternal battle between what Christ wants to do in and through me, and my own desires for comfort and my pleasure.

However, Christ gave me ultimate victory through His death. I am His Princess.

So why can i not believe it? I hate my physical appearance. i hate my arrogant, selfish heart. Satan whispers the lie that I will never overcome the battle that wearies my soul. I must try harder. i must be perfect. i tell my soul, guilty and feeling the shame of falling short of the love i have been given. This battle to live up to my own expectations depresses and slowly paralyzes me. Eventually, i will grow tired of maintaining this game. Stuck in the cycle of pleasing, failing and trying the harder still, i will become so imprisoned that, though I am gloriously set free in Christ, I will remain a prisoner to my own fear and pride.

I must learn to love myself. Yes, that sounds very humanistic. Yet, "they" have something figured out. If an individual does not feel loved, they will not change. if they can't learn to like themselves they will be no good to anyone else.

I must realize-- truly realize--the love of Christ for me. How? By immersing myself in His word. A verse at a time, if need be. I must be reassured of His value of me. He died for my soul. There was obviously nothing in me to deserve such sacrifice. Yet, the Prince of Glory suffered and died for my rebellious heart.

I must learn to see who he made me to be. without him i am nothing. I must spend time with Him. i must listen to his heart. His desires must become my desires. Only in knowing who HE is, can i know who I am.
I must learn to abandon what I think is best for me and learn to trust my father's heart for me. I must do the next right thing, keeping my mind focused on Him. i must do the hard, painful things and reject the need to feel validated by anyone other than Him. I must learn to accept the things I hate about myself and humbly ask Him to give me the desire to change the things that keep me from being what he purposed me to be. Ironically, I will be the most "happy" when I am denying myself. For only in doing His will for me, will I find true fulfillment. Satan cannot take my salvation, but he will keep my eyes so focused on myself that i will lose my joy and love for others. It must break the heart of Christ when we passively give up what He died to give us--fellowship with Him. Lord, take away anything that quenches my thirst for You.

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