Thursday, March 24, 2011

Eloquence? Not so much...

You know those people who absolutely cannot say a simple "I'm sorry" ? As if to say the words, they would be conceding that they were *gasp* wrong! Heaven forbid! To prserve their image they would rather hurt and alienate those around them rather than humbly admitting a wrong and seeking forgiveness. Ironically, their "image" would be much better if they would merely admit they aren't perfect.

It hurts, doggone it. I'm tired of opening up about struggles and hurts (however "silly" they are), and have them thrown back in my face and feeling like dirt that I even dared to communicate I was anything but happy.I'm tired of walking on eggshells. Tired of feeling like half an adult and half a child. Tired of selfish people that endlessly hurt, manipulate and beat down those around them because of a sick need for control. I'm tired of that need for control scarily creeping up in my own life. Tired of the perfectionism. Tired of a mind that never sleeps.Tired of having to try so dang hard and getting no return for the effort. Tired of no one understanding. Tired of retreating yet too tired to come out of a shell. Tired of feeling strange, out of place and unloved. Does unconditional (human) love even exist? I wonder....

If this post needs a definition, I will officially define it. It's a complaint. Tonight i don't feel like being eloquent, spiritual or very nice at all. I feel like cussing, crying and curling up with a big tub of ice cream. Am i being overdramatic? Most assuredly. As i write this I am sitting with a calm, pleasant look on my face saying the right things and nodding at the right moments. Am I too sensitive? Probably. This day is nothing compared to the tragedy in Japan and the hurt and pain so very prevalent in the world. It has actually been a fairly pleasant day in some respects (And that makes me feel like even more of an ass. It IS all about me, you know ;) Am I hopeless? No. Just hurting and having "one of those days".The sun will come out tomorrow, Charlie Brown. I'll be fine. I'm not going off the deep end.

So sorry for the complaints and "emo" attitude tonight. But what is a blog for?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011



One of my favorite quotes is by Mark Twain and is as follows

"It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! "

Isn't that the truth? Your heart fairly burts with joy, and you're not quite sure why...Everything is new, it seems. The air is intoxicating. The delicious rays of a Spring sun upon bare skin warms the soul.

For a time, life is good. Though our problems threaten like the proverbial April showers, for a time, things are right. A reckless enthusiasm and an intense contentment invade the soul, making one forget the sorrows of winter.

 It seems God is playing with His creation.Painting magical sunsets simply to see our reaction. He splashes  yet another color upon the canvas of nature and takes our breath away. Our God is a creative, beautiful, romantic God. He is far bigger than the methodical, sterile, robotic Being we try to shove into a box. After all, if we understand and contain Him, we have it all under pain, no fear, no change. Yet our God has a passionate, unyielding love for His creation that goes far beyond our finite minds.

Spring, to me, is a glimpse into the heart of God. He desires to make all things new. He delights in romance. He enjoys beauty and love. We, created in His image, do the same. Though tainted with sin, we are still made in His image. We love the things he loves. He is a just God, we thirst for  justice. He rojoices in truth, we are liberated when we are honest. His heart is a lover for His bride, and our hearts thrill at romance.

Spring. Come with your beauty and leave us breathless; forever in awe of the Great Artist.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

True Beauty

Last week i went to see my Grandmother (my dad's mom) for her nninetieth birthday. I love this woman. To begin with, she is, and always has been a fireball. She is one of those people that you have to force to sit still; she is always going and doing. In recent years her circumstances have slowed her down, yet her characteristic optimism and energy has never left. She still drives (better than some adults in their "prime" ;) and aside from the toll that the years have taken on her hearing and eyesight, she is in remarkably good health.
    She grew up hard. After her mother died, her father married again and essentially abandoned her when she was 14. She had to quit school to support herself  but she is one of the smartest women I know. She worked hard cleaning and cooking for neighbors until she married at a young  age. Though my grandfather undoubtedly loved her, her he perhaps didn't know how to best show her true love (especially in their early years). She was not a "doormat" in any respect (though many today would say that she was).She was determined to drive and  taught herself  after she was married with children,surprising her husband one evening with her license. From accounts I have heard she kept him in line, though no one remembers her acting out of spite or anger towards him. She retained her self-respect, had definite opinions and didn't "cow-tow" to anyone, but she didn't demand her own rights. She faithfully served her husband and children, because, "what else would you do?" To her, loving God and loving others was and is her life. The family recalls huge Sunday lunches that she would spend hours (joyfully) preparing. She rarely missed church and has always kept herself immaculate, though she is certainly not afraid to get her hands dirty. She maintained a garden for many many years and there is nothing she loves better than working with plants and soil. She has maintained a zest for life. She absolutely loves living. Though she has certainly had her times of feeling down and perhaps had a pity party or two (like the rest of us) she has always been "others focused".I don't think she has ever held a grudge (though she certainly had occasion!) She doesn't demand attention; she takes what is given and loves unconditionally.She just thinks life is too short to do anything but love one another. Some would call her view of life and people simplistic and old fashioned. Yet there is more joy to be seen in her spirit than many people today who are socially and politically "correct". She is an unselfish and caring individual and I am beyond blessed to have her as my "mamaw". If, by God's grace, I become  half the woman that she is, I will be grateful. She will do anything for anyone and you will never feel unloved in her presence. She has succeeded in making her family and all those with whom she has come in contact  feel loved, un-judged and special. As followers of Christ, are we really called to anything else than to "love God and love people"? Her life is a lesson in the joy of a forgiving, grace-full and sacrificing spirit.
       I love you, Mamaw .

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


That's the title of a new Pink song. (Yes, i listen to "pop" music on occasion...well, more than that, but that's for another post....=)
Now, while I don't advise a steady "diet" of Pink I do enjoy a few of her songs. This one in particular caught my attention. In it, the singer is reassuring someone, despite their mistakes, wrongdoings, and different-ness (I suppose that's a word....) they are "perfect". The song is a celebration of each individual's uniqueness and renunciation of the culture's idea of "perfect" and living life in the confidence that comes of embracing said differences. I like those thoughts. A lot. A little too much, perhaps. Why? Because they all get back to ME. I am BEAUTIFUL. I am GIFTED and UNIQUE and if you don't like me for me, you can buzz off. I am CONFIDENT and EMPOWERED.

Now I think Pink's intentions were good when she wrote that song. After all, there is nothing wrong with reassuring someone they are special and don't need to be "normal" as defined by the culture. There are many that need to hear that they are loved, despite their differences and apparent imperfections. The problem comes when we start looking to ourselves for significance and confidence. "The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it" (Jer. 17:9) comes to mind. We are torn between what our sinful nature wants and what the Spirit of Christ desires. We will never be "perfect". Even our best intentions and kindest deeds are motivated by selfishness...a rather depressing thought, actually, until you realize that despite all that, Christ loves us anyway. He gave his perfect Son so that we could have the fellowship that we were designed to have with Him. He LOVES us. We will be His perfect Bride (2 Cor. 11:2).

we are IMPERFECT. Our default nature is to behave selfishly. Even if we don't say it, we believe that we are "grandiose" (watch Charlie Sheen lately, anyone? So sad...)
BUT. We are loved, regardless. Is there anything more confidence- inspiring or empowering than knowing you are loved without condition? Sure, let's celebrate the unique way that our Father created us, but lets not forget it was the Father. True and lasting hope comes when we realize that our only hope lies in Christ and HIS perfection.