Sunday, September 18, 2011


Someone brought my attention to this prayer they found online...It pretty much sums up my heart lately.

"Lord, undo me"

I don’t really worship these days
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actions
or with anything
I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion
But it is all just illusion
I am really
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore
I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory
Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I am
I want to be undone
I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way
You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to
Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me
Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,
I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-life
this going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must
Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
let me worship you again
*Blake Williams

I identify with the author. My cold heart scares me. But probably less than it should. I am doubting the core of my faith, and the very character of my Father. Like Thomas, half of my heart refuses to believe until I have proof I can touch and see. The other part wants deperately to live according to the truth I have always known and believed. The classic war of Spirit and Flesh wages within me and I am terrified of the outcome.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I do not like it. Not a bit. I am a creature of habit, and when the things I am accustomed to are suddenly changed I do not handle it well. By God's grace I am trying  to make progress in this. I am trying to learn to "roll with"  various inconveniences. I thought I was making a little headway...until major, painful "changes" occurred that made me stop (more often than I would care to admit) and wonder if life was a big Divine joke. Seriously. I wish I had more faith. I wish I could believe with my whole heart in what I know in my head. Trust eludes me these days (or maybe it's vice-versa). I find myself wanting to curl up into a ball (literally and metaphorically) and just not feel.
   Some days I think a little more clearly--I know without a doubt Who is holding us, Who has been holding us and I have a peace that comes only from Him. More often than not, however, I am simply numb. Maybe it is part of the "grieving" process. I wonder at my ability to move with normalcy through each day. In fact, it concerns me. And sometimes, when the pain is so sharp, I question whether God really cares, and if our lives really matter in the grand scheme of things. Forgive me if I sound melodramatic. I hate that pain causes me to doubt the character of God. To question His love. I suppose I thought I was beyond asking these questions. Obviously, my rather sheltered world has been rudely awakened.
 Which brings me back to the subject of change. In the sixth chapter of John, Jesus is teaching the people.  We are told his teachings are "hard".  They are foreign.They are not what the people are accustomed to hearing. They would require a change. Unfortunately most of the people aren't willing to risk Jesus. After all, their is at least  well-defined. What Jesus is saying is just a little abstract.  It doesn't seem very safe. They want a God who specializes in giving them what they want and no challenging our hearts, thank you very much! So when it gets uncomfortable, they bail.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” 

       John 6:67-68

Lately, my mind comes back  to Peter's words: "To whom shall we go?" It's either fish or cut bait. Sure, this life isn't pleasant,and more often than not, it pretty much sucks. Yet He loves us. He always has. We are the ones who reject. Yes, he allows pain but it is because he wants us close to Him. We were created for that, and to show His glory. Often, that means dying to what we want and the way we think things should go. However, there is unimaginable freedom when we are "slaves" to Christ.
Though I haven't physically spent years running away from Christ, I have "walked away" in my mind, just like the "other disciples". Frankly, it is a dark place. I don't like where I would end up. Though I've  seen so very little in my lifetime I have seen enough to know it simply isn't it worth it to wander. No, "He isn't safe, but He's good." (Lewis).
 I can trust that though there will  be days that I doubt, get angry and want to just give up that He won't give up on me. He passionately pursues His children and longs that they know the depths of His love for them. His love is not human. It is completely "other".  So, by His grace I hope I continue to say with Peter:
"You have the words of real life, eternal life. We've already committed ourselves, confident that you are the Holy One of God." (The MSG)