Who Am I?

In case anyone would like to know, my foremost struggle at this point in my life is self-esteem. It seems it always has been. If a person had asked me a few months ago what I liked about myself i would have been hard-pressed to really find anything. I am my own worst enemy. That is not as humble an attitude as it sounds. It is actually a very arrogant one. God is working on me, however, and ever so painfully slowly, I am learning to change...i hope....

i am made in the image of God. He created me with gifts and abilities that are unique to me. I have a purpose on this earth. Sin mars this world and creates an eternal battle between what Christ wants to do in and through me, and my own desires for comfort and my pleasure.

However, Christ gave me ultimate victory through His death. I am His Princess.

So why can i not believe it? I hate my physical appearance. i hate my arrogant, selfish heart. Satan whispers the lie that I will never overcome the battle that wearies my soul. I must try harder. i must be perfect. i tell my soul, guilty and feeling the shame of falling short of the love i have been given. This battle to live up to my own expectations depresses and slowly paralyzes me. Eventually, i will grow tired of maintaining this game. Stuck in the cycle of pleasing, failing and trying the harder still, i will become so imprisoned that, though I am gloriously set free in Christ, I will remain a prisoner to my own fear and pride.

I must learn to love myself. Yes, that sounds very humanistic. Yet, "they" have something figured out. If an individual does not feel loved, they will not change. if they can't learn to like themselves they will be no good to anyone else.

I must realize-- truly realize--the love of Christ for me. How? By immersing myself in His word. A verse at a time, if need be. I must be reassured of His value of me. He died for my soul. There was obviously nothing in me to deserve such sacrifice. Yet, the Prince of Glory suffered and died for my rebellious heart.

I must learn to see who he made me to be. without him i am nothing. I must spend time with Him. i must listen to his heart. His desires must become my desires. Only in knowing who HE is, can i know who I am.
I must learn to abandon what I think is best for me and learn to trust my father's heart for me. I must do the next right thing, keeping my mind focused on Him. i must do the hard, painful things and reject the need to feel validated by anyone other than Him. I must learn to accept the things I hate about myself and humbly ask Him to give me the desire to change the things that keep me from being what he purposed me to be. Ironically, I will be the most "happy" when I am denying myself. For only in doing His will for me, will I find true fulfillment. Satan cannot take my salvation, but he will keep my eyes so focused on myself that i will lose my joy and love for others. It must break the heart of Christ when we passively give up what He died to give us--fellowship with Him. Lord, take away anything that quenches my thirst for You.

Smile and the whole world...ignores you...

Whatever happened to smiles? Hardly anyone smiles anymore. I try to be a cheerful person and put a pleasant look on my face but I know i am not always conscious of how solemn and depressed I look sometimes (particularly if i am in deep concentration or completely ticked off). Still, there seems to be a general lack of cheerful people in the world. Obviously everyone can't go around with fake smiles on their face if they're having a bad day. Yet people just seem so generally miserable. Has it always been like this? I spent nearly 5 minutes talking to a random elderly lady in the grocery store once simply because I made eye contact and smiled at her. I'm not calling myself Mary Poppins, and plenty of people can attest to the fact that I can have a rather cryptic, ornery manner if i am crossed. It just breaks my heart how many people  don't care to have any kind of personal connection anymore. It's almost as if it would take too much emotional energy. I love technology just as much as the next person but replacing the human connection with the next bigger and better advance of technology is contributing to the death of society. No one knows how to spell. No one knows how to have an intelligent convesation. No one knows how to engage their brain enough to see their children playing dangerously close to an oncoming car (believe me, I've come incredibly close to snatching a few kids away from their parents...so if I end up in jail, you know why!)

         Why this random rampage? Why do I sound like an indignant old person, wishing for "the good old days" ? I'm not sure, but the state of society bothers me...it's a symptom of a deeper issue...one I'm too tired to analyze tonight...now, please excuse me while i go watch some TV =)

Life

Roughly a year ago, I had the opportunity to go with my brother and the youth group he pastors to serve at the Bowery Mission in New York City. We spent the week helping the residents there prepare and serve meals, clean the mission, organize donations and various other tasks with which they needed help. Make no mistake, running such a place takes tremendous patience, hard work and dedication. I was privledged to serve these people and I can firmly say it was one of the best weeks of my life.

I struggled with feelings of inadequecy on the trip there. What would they think of (comparitively) sheltered, Christian kids who knew little of "real life" hardships? Would we be a nusicance? An inconvenience? All my worrying, turns out, was needless. (It was pride, really, but more about that in another post, sometime ;). I have never met such thankful people in my life. The staff was incredibly grateful for anything and everything we did and the residents acted like we were doing them the biggest favor in the world. In truth, it was they who blessed us. They always had a warm smile for us and words of encouragement. Scripture was always on their lips and they had a genuine love for Christ. These men had been through truly hard times and were passionate about Jesus and the way He had resuced them. Certainly, it wasn't all hearts and flowers once they recieved Christ. People are still people. There are still day to day struggles that come from living in a sin-cursed world. However, these  men now had real Hope and their words and worship refelected that.

That week Christ broke my heart. As we served meals to the homeless that came thorugh the line the faces cut me to my soul. Some wouldn't meet our eyes and you could tell they were very embarrased. Some gruffly took waht they were given and you could tell that their callous and sometimes confrontational spirits were well-honed habits that covered up their hurting souls. Still others smiled into our eyes and had a cheery "good morning" or "how are YOU?". (I normally can't smile until at least 8:30 am =) 

I had a fabulous time in the city itself that week. Central Park, Battery Park, Times Square, (Starbucks on every corner)...shopping, beautiful works of architecture, museums I could spend years in...(did I mention Starbucks?)...We attended the Brooklyn Tabernacle on Sunday Morning. We saw the place where the Twin Towers once stood. (An experience I will never forget). I will be going back in the future...mark my words...

Yet  it was the hope and love I saw that week that will always live with me. I saw the Love of Christ being practically displayed to hurting and lost people. Through the hard, messy, day to day stuff they lived out His command to love others. I was privledged to be a part of that.

As I said before, I am a sheltered, homeschooled teenager. This expreience could be chalked up to the mission trip "high" of a kid who has seldom been anywhere outside of Knoxville. True, there is a thrill when you work with other believers toward a common, Christ-honoring goal.However i saw firsthand that life is hard, tragic and completely unfair. Yet there is a Hope found only in the love of our Creator. He has given us an incomparable gift and each and every one of us is meant to spread that gift of love through our own unique abilities. That week I experienced not a "high" that quickly subsided when I came home to "real life", but the peaceful hope of knowing that joy exists in stepping outside myself and loving others. No matter what else i accomplish in this world, I want to be used by my Savior to spread His love. Pure and simple.THAT, my friend is real life. I can do no less.

Eloquence? Not so much...

You know those people who absolutely cannot say a simple "I'm sorry" ? As if to say the words, they would be conceding that they were *gasp* wrong! Heaven forbid! To prserve their image they would rather hurt and alienate those around them rather than humbly admitting a wrong and seeking forgiveness. Ironically, their "image" would be much better if they would merely admit they aren't perfect.

It hurts, doggone it. I'm tired of opening up about struggles and hurts (however "silly" they are), and have them thrown back in my face and feeling like dirt that I even dared to communicate I was anything but happy.I'm tired of walking on eggshells. Tired of feeling like half an adult and half a child. Tired of selfish people that endlessly hurt, manipulate and beat down those around them because of a sick need for control. I'm tired of that need for control scarily creeping up in my own life. Tired of the perfectionism. Tired of a mind that never sleeps.Tired of having to try so dang hard and getting no return for the effort. Tired of no one understanding. Tired of retreating yet too tired to come out of a shell. Tired of feeling strange, out of place and unloved. Does unconditional (human) love even exist? I wonder....

If this post needs a definition, I will officially define it. It's a complaint. Tonight i don't feel like being eloquent, spiritual or very nice at all. I feel like cussing, crying and curling up with a big tub of ice cream. Am i being overdramatic? Most assuredly. As i write this I am sitting with a calm, pleasant look on my face saying the right things and nodding at the right moments. Am I too sensitive? Probably. This day is nothing compared to the tragedy in Japan and the hurt and pain so very prevalent in the world. It has actually been a fairly pleasant day in some respects (And that makes me feel like even more of an ass. It IS all about me, you know ;) Am I hopeless? No. Just hurting and having "one of those days".The sun will come out tomorrow, Charlie Brown. I'll be fine. I'm not going off the deep end.

So sorry for the complaints and "emo" attitude tonight. But what is a blog for?

Foolish

Ahh....Spring

One of my favorite quotes is by Mark Twain and is as follows

"It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! "

Isn't that the truth? Your heart fairly burts with joy, and you're not quite sure why...Everything is new, it seems. The air is intoxicating. The delicious rays of a Spring sun upon bare skin warms the soul.

For a time, life is good. Though our problems threaten like the proverbial April showers, for a time, things are right. A reckless enthusiasm and an intense contentment invade the soul, making one forget the sorrows of winter.

 It seems God is playing with His creation.Painting magical sunsets simply to see our reaction. He splashes  yet another color upon the canvas of nature and takes our breath away. Our God is a creative, beautiful, romantic God. He is far bigger than the methodical, sterile, robotic Being we try to shove into a box. After all, if we understand and contain Him, we have it all under control...no pain, no fear, no change. Yet our God has a passionate, unyielding love for His creation that goes far beyond our finite minds.

Spring, to me, is a glimpse into the heart of God. He desires to make all things new. He delights in romance. He enjoys beauty and love. We, created in His image, do the same. Though tainted with sin, we are still made in His image. We love the things he loves. He is a just God, we thirst for  justice. He rojoices in truth, we are liberated when we are honest. His heart is a lover for His bride, and our hearts thrill at romance.

Spring. Come with your beauty and leave us breathless; forever in awe of the Great Artist.

True Beauty

Last week i went to see my Grandmother (my dad's mom) for her nninetieth birthday. I love this woman. To begin with, she is, and always has been a fireball. She is one of those people that you have to force to sit still; she is always going and doing. In recent years her circumstances have slowed her down, yet her characteristic optimism and energy has never left. She still drives (better than some adults in their "prime" ;) and aside from the toll that the years have taken on her hearing and eyesight, she is in remarkably good health.
    She grew up hard. After her mother died, her father married again and essentially abandoned her when she was 14. She had to quit school to support herself  but she is one of the smartest women I know. She worked hard cleaning and cooking for neighbors until she married at a young  age. Though my grandfather undoubtedly loved her, her he perhaps didn't know how to best show her true love (especially in their early years). She was not a "doormat" in any respect (though many today would say that she was).She was determined to drive and  taught herself  after she was married with children,surprising her husband one evening with her license. From accounts I have heard she kept him in line, though no one remembers her acting out of spite or anger towards him. She retained her self-respect, had definite opinions and didn't "cow-tow" to anyone, but she didn't demand her own rights. She faithfully served her husband and children, because, "what else would you do?" To her, loving God and loving others was and is her life. The family recalls huge Sunday lunches that she would spend hours (joyfully) preparing. She rarely missed church and has always kept herself immaculate, though she is certainly not afraid to get her hands dirty. She maintained a garden for many many years and there is nothing she loves better than working with plants and soil. She has maintained a zest for life. She absolutely loves living. Though she has certainly had her times of feeling down and perhaps had a pity party or two (like the rest of us) she has always been "others focused".I don't think she has ever held a grudge (though she certainly had occasion!) She doesn't demand attention; she takes what is given and loves unconditionally.She just thinks life is too short to do anything but love one another. Some would call her view of life and people simplistic and old fashioned. Yet there is more joy to be seen in her spirit than many people today who are socially and politically "correct". She is an unselfish and caring individual and I am beyond blessed to have her as my "mamaw". If, by God's grace, I become  half the woman that she is, I will be grateful. She will do anything for anyone and you will never feel unloved in her presence. She has succeeded in making her family and all those with whom she has come in contact  feel loved, un-judged and special. As followers of Christ, are we really called to anything else than to "love God and love people"? Her life is a lesson in the joy of a forgiving, grace-full and sacrificing spirit.
       I love you, Mamaw .

Perfect

That's the title of a new Pink song. (Yes, i listen to "pop" music on occasion...well, more than that, but that's for another post....=)
Now, while I don't advise a steady "diet" of Pink I do enjoy a few of her songs. This one in particular caught my attention. In it, the singer is reassuring someone, despite their mistakes, wrongdoings, and different-ness (I suppose that's a word....) they are "perfect". The song is a celebration of each individual's uniqueness and renunciation of the culture's idea of "perfect" and living life in the confidence that comes of embracing said differences. I like those thoughts. A lot. A little too much, perhaps. Why? Because they all get back to ME. I am BEAUTIFUL. I am GIFTED and UNIQUE and if you don't like me for me, you can buzz off. I am CONFIDENT and EMPOWERED.

Now I think Pink's intentions were good when she wrote that song. After all, there is nothing wrong with reassuring someone they are special and don't need to be "normal" as defined by the culture. There are many that need to hear that they are loved, despite their differences and apparent imperfections. The problem comes when we start looking to ourselves for significance and confidence. "The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it" (Jer. 17:9) comes to mind. We are torn between what our sinful nature wants and what the Spirit of Christ desires. We will never be "perfect". Even our best intentions and kindest deeds are motivated by selfishness...a rather depressing thought, actually, until you realize that despite all that, Christ loves us anyway. He gave his perfect Son so that we could have the fellowship that we were designed to have with Him. He LOVES us. We will be His perfect Bride (2 Cor. 11:2).

we are IMPERFECT. Our default nature is to behave selfishly. Even if we don't say it, we believe that we are "grandiose" (watch Charlie Sheen lately, anyone? So sad...)
BUT. We are loved, regardless. Is there anything more confidence- inspiring or empowering than knowing you are loved without condition? Sure, let's celebrate the unique way that our Father created us, but lets not forget it was the Father. True and lasting hope comes when we realize that our only hope lies in Christ and HIS perfection.